New Life
by EdithAnthemisNobilis
Summary: Female Bilbo AU with canon divergence Bilba wakes with memories not her own and decides that she wont let what she saw happen. She becomes Mad Baggin's and travels Middle Earth to prepare for her upcoming Journey with thirteen Dwarrow and a wizard.
1. chapter 1

Author Note: If there any mistakes in this that I missed let me know and I will fix it.

This will have suicide in the very beginning, Female Bilbo, changing of aging, this is an A.U. guys. Also because of that some middle earth history will be a bit different or totally different. It's sorta Oc but also not...it's hard to explain. Read and enjoy, if this isn't your thing just go back and find something else.

Also

 ** _this is flashback/memory of past_**. ]

 ** _Time moves all things._ _Change is a re-occuring thing._ _My beliefs and way of life were ruined much like everyone elses._**

 ** _Like the snap of a finger everything stopped suddenly. Wind no longer blew, things stopped growing, and people began dying. It happened to fast for any sort of chaos to grab hold of the world._**

 ** _I don't know if there is anyone else left._ _I sit here alone against the wall of an empty building in this new wasteland and think about the life I lived._ _I see nothing but failure._ _I'd try and try but nothing would work, I lost interest in the world and gave up. I'd fallen apart and even now I cannot put myself back together again._**

 ** _Though there is no point in trying anymore since all the people I never wanted to disappoint are dead._**

 ** _I look down at the knife in my hand then at the blue veins beneath my arms. I've read that even though it's slow it doesn't hurt much. You just feel cold numbness seep in before falling asleep._**

 ** _This isn't something I should do but I'm tired. If death wont take me now then I will go myself._**

 ** _I begin to cut, I feel weary now that all the red is flowing out, but it would be pointless to stop._ _There's no one left to fix me back up anyway. Both my arms are now covered in long cuts from the wrists leading up to the inside of my elbows._**

 ** _I sit here now waiting to die. I know there is nothing left in this world seemly frozen in time but still I wish it wasn't true._ _I am praying to be forgiven for my weakness, for choosing to die rather then go on._**

 ** _I feel cold now and my hands are numb. I feel more tired then I have ever felt before._ _Perhaps now I will be free of this acheing pain of loneliness. My eyes are heavy and my back slides against the wall I was leaning against. My eyes close as my left side touches the dirt and cold is all I feel._**

 ** _There is warmth, against my cheek, a hand being placed there._**

 ** _I open my eyes..._**

A young Hobbit woman shot up from her bed. Her breath coming in pants as sweat dripped from her head. The dream of another life was complete, now sitting here in her bed she knew.

She had lived a life before, the memories of that life haunted her for so long.

She's had memories that were not her own since she could remember. Some things she saw made for great fairytales for the neighborhood children. Other things helped further knowledge of the world. She had seen the memories of watching a male version of herself go on an adventure and the story of what happened after.

Bilba Baggin's had hope it was only weird dreams but now she knew. There was a chance this could happen in her world. She needed to prepare for it to occur.

With a tired sigh she let herself fall back into her bed and covered her face with a spare pillow. Her past self was so broken in the end. Even when ending her own life she prayed that she be forgiven for doing it.

The warmth near the end of the dream though...was that the forgiveness being given to her?

Bilba finally calmed her breath and thought to herself.

Perhaps the hand had been the God of that world. Forgiveness given with a new life in a new world? A chance to become better then she had been the first go round?

Wondering in the dark would not give Bilba the answers. She would just have to live and maybe she will find out why she was given new life.

With a sigh Bilba sat up, seeing the sun peaking out of the horizon, and began the start of her daily routine.


	2. Chapter two

[Author note: Sorry the first chapter was so short. Everything is going to be slow to update due to a sketchy muse and life in general.]

Bilba Baggin's sat at the breakfast table and thought over the differences in her life when compaired to the memories she had seen. Life in the memories was fast paced, full of glass towers and horseless carts, and so very advanced in everything.

Her life now was calm and nearly noiseless. Full of nature's colors and people willing to help one another.

Her other self, what should she call this past life of hers?, had seen a version of this world.

It wasn't the same world though.

In this world Hobbits and Dwarrow grew at the same rate as far as she knew. Hobbit's were not an off branch of men but children of Nienna the Weeper though this fact was kept secret from all beings. There was also the fact that she herself is a woman.

Other then that she wasn't sure what else was different. Despite the differences, she knew that what happened in that story could very well happen in this world. She had a while until Gandalf would arrive with talk of adventure. It might be a good idea to start early and figure out just how to survive in this wide world outside the Shire.

She placed her cutlery and plate away and began to get dressed. It was time to visit her Uncle and tell him of her intentions. After getting into a nice travel coat and skirt Bilba locked her home, dwarrow locks are the best defense against snooping relatives, and she went on down the lane.

"Where are we going to go now?" A little dwarrow boy asked as he watched his mother pack. His mother turned to him with a smile.

"You're father says that the hobbits of the Shire are open for trading. So we are going to go meet him and Sir Balin."

"What's a hobbit?"

His mother laughed before answering.

"Hobbits are like us Gimli dear, smaller then the other races. Though your father did mention that they had rather odd feet."

The boy, Gimli, looked excited as he went to grab his own pack. Fili and Kili would be so jealous if he met one of these odd Hobbitsys before they did. Hopefully the hobbits'll be nice to them when they go see them.

Bilba hadn't heard of the dwarrow visiting her Uncle so she was quite shocked when her other Uncle Isumbras told her. He too had been visiting Isengrim, the Thain, and greeted her at the door.

"Dwarrow? Here?" she asked in mild shock. He laughed a bit and nodded his head.

"Yes, it surprised us too. They came looking for better trade then what the Men offer."

Bilba scoffed, Men hardly ever gave those they deemed bellow them fair trade. Her uncle nodded at her scoff,

"They have a better chance with us in truth. None of us are any good with forges not even the lad we've got now. It will be a great advange to us to have their craftsmanship."

"If they came here they probably wish to trade such things for food or money right?"

He nodded again as they got to the door to Isengrim's office. The voice she heard speaking made her heart jump.

Balin son of Fundin was here.

Sneaking in a deep breath she stealed herself and lifted her hand up to the door.

It's only polite to knock first after all.


	3. chapter three

[Author's note: I am so sorry for the long wait. My life has been very hectic as of late and will likely remain so for quite a while. Sorry.]

When Bilba entered the office she was surprised. Balin was not alone, he had Gloin with him. With a smile she offered them both a bow like she saw them do within her dreams. They were quick to bow back, perhaps because she is a woman and dwarrows are said to respect them above many, or so the rumours go.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you're meeting gentlemen. I mearly wished to inform the Thain that I will need to speak with him once your business is seen to."

Her uncle gave her a mischievous smile that reminded her of her grandfather's before he would let loose a prank.

"Come now Niece, there is no need to be formal with me just because I have visitors."

Bilba squinted her eyes at him, he knew she was trying to keep that tidbit about their relation to herself. Why would he advertise...oh bugger...

"I hope you don't mind if these gentlemen stayed with you until we finish a place for them and their kin who will be arriving within the week?" He gave her a wink and muttered to her,

"Their presence should keep those Sackville-Baggins off your back for a while dear."

Damn you Uncle...It's a kind gesture but I wasn't going to stay. Bilba keeps her smile up as she spoke.

"Of course they can, perhaps I can even gain some tips on travelling from them while they stay."

Balin and Gloin watched the two hobbits as they conversed with familiarity. The exchange reminded the both of them of times long past where Thorin would agree to his fathers requests but not really wanting to do them. Though Balin did take notice that she seemed truely unbothered at the prospect of their staying in her...den? Hole? Oh right, Smial.

The Thain turned to them with a grin.

"With our business done I'm sure you would like to get your belongings ready for the trip. My niece lives all the way in Hobbiton so it's best to prepare now."

Taking the subtle hint the dwarrow nod their heads toward them both.

"Thank you for your kindess Lord Thain, and you for your hospitality Princess." Balin said as he left with Gloin shutting the door behind him.

The moment the door was shut Bilba snacked her Uncle's arm with a huff.

"It's going to take much to long to stop them from calling me princess now you meddling coot!"

Her uncle snorts out a laugh as he rubs the arm she smacked.

"Come now let me have a bit of fun?"

Bilba raised an eyebrow at him to which he simply laughed some more.

"Best start with your business dear before I pass out in laughter."

Bilba rolled her eyes at him and smirked.

"What I had come to talk about has gone screwy thanks to you're volunteering my home. You know this means that no matter what it is you'll have to let me do it. You owe me now."

He groaned as he sat in his office chair and covered his face with a hand.

"Just when I think you're all Baggins you spout that stuff out and I'm reminded of Belladonna."

Bilba's smirk widened at that and she placed her hands on her hips.

"You never learn do you?"

He shrugged with a smile on his face. Bilba sat beside him and began to tell him her plans.


	4. chapter four

Bilba left the office with a grin on her face. Her plan is delayed but that is a triffle. When she exited the smial she found Balin and Gloin waiting for her with packs in hand. She greeted them with a smile,

"Let us be off gentlemen, I'll not be making us a late dinner."

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Both Balin and Gloin learned more about their host within the week of their stay. She had kindly given them rooms and only ever asked for occasional help with cleaning.

Balin enjoyed speaking to her of Dwarrow history, at least the parts that were not secret anyway. She was an avid listener and even gave a bit of hobbit history in return.

Gloin would begin to talk for hours about his family and she sat with him and often expressed a wish to meet them herself when they arrived.

They discovered she had a nack for telling fantastic stories of futuristic worlds, mythical creatures kept by a magic man, heroes defending their home from beings of the stars. All were mear fantasy of course but quite enjoyable.

Bibla found her guests to be slightly different then from the future she saw. Then again they believed her to be a princess and still wont stop calling her such, blast Uncle and his well meaning schemes.

They were both polite and asked upfront about any cultural differences in order to stop from unknowingly insulating anyone. Which surprised her but was also delightful since she wouldn't have to clean up any social messes.

According to Balin their kin would be arriving sometime within the next few days. Gloin's family and the Ur and Ri families would be amoung those arriving. She was a bit weary on one of the Ri's though. Nori, poor fellow, has kleptomania from what she could tell and would likely steal from many homes. Bilba did not want to clean that mess up at all.

It was arround noon time that Gloin left Bag-End to meet up with his family. They should be nearing Tookland this day, or so Balin believed. Bilba mearly shook her head and made the older dwarf help her set up rooms for the new guests on the way.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Now Lady Bilba's told Balin and me about how different things are here so you all best talk with me or Balin before seting up shop. Lady Bilba's home is at the top right there." Gloin said as he carried his son while leading the others to Bag-End. The sun was beginning to set as they all marched up the hill.

Gimli hadn't yet seen one of the hobbities, much to his discontent, since he had slept through most of the trip. He was eager to see one, especially the hobbity princess.

Once they got to the green door of Bag-End it opened to reveal a smiling Bilba.

"Good evening everyone. I'm Bilba Baggins at your service." She offered them a bow.

Glimli's eyes widened as he saw her. Her hair looked like copper and to his surprise she had matching foot hair as well.

"Your beards fallen to your feet!" He exclaimed his worried shock. Gloin turned bright red while Glimi's mother and Bofur began to laugh.

Bilba looked at him with a smile.

"Indeed it has young sir but that is where all hobbit keep it. So you best not touch without permission alright?"

Glimli nodded quickly, not understanding why his mother was having a coughing fit. Bilba looked at them all again and continued,

"Boots off by the door, I'll not be cleaning mud from my carpets tonight. I've set the bath for you all. You'll have to take turns but I'm sure you'll manage. Once you're done there's dinner ready and waiting."

With that final word they all followed her inside, greeting her individually. Gloin was the first to introduce her to the new comers.

"Lady Bilba this young lad is my boy Gimli and over here is my lively wife Gilda." Gloin's wife had an intricately braided beard and long braided hair both as red as fire. Gimli's hair was a darker red and barely had whiskers on his face. Bilba smiled at them and said,

"I've heard much about you both from Master Gloin and I cannot wait to get to know you."

When they passed by toward the bathroom Bofur walked up with his brother and cousin with him. He pulled off his hat and bowed with a flourish and wink.

"Lovely to meet you Shire Princess I'm Bofur. This here is my brother Bombur, he doesnt speak much."

The large dwarf with orange hair smiled and gave her a wave.

"and this here is our cousin Bifur, he can't speak any westeron due to his axe there."

Bifur grumbled in Khazdul and nodded toward her. Bilba smiled at them and began to sign as she spoke. She had learned sign language in her previous life since her mother was deaf due to an accident.

"It is wonderful to meet you all, you'll not have to worry about speaking here master Bifur. Nearly the whole of the Shire knows sign and if you don't know this type I will gladly teach you."

All three of them gawked at her for a moment and Bifur began to grin. His eyes were shining with excitement as he signed back in whatever dwarrow style it was. Bofur snapped out of his shock and replied.

"Bifur says he would love to learn from you when you've a free moment."

With that taken care off she waved them inside as the last two dwarrow came up. Dori, brown streaked with grey in his intricate yet somewhat short beard was holding young Ori's hand. Little Ori gave her a shy smile as he clutched a book to his chest. He stayed somewhat behind Dori's leg as they both give her a bow,

"I am Dori and this is my little brother Ori. Thank yoy for taking us in."

"It was no problem dear sir. I can see that your brother is a reader. I've a library with many books he can peruse during your stay here."

Ori's eyes light up and he began to tug on Dori's hand.

"Come on Dori! Books!" He exclaimed in, what was probably suppost to be, a whisper.

Dori chuckled to himself as ge let his brother drag him inside. Bilba shut the door and re-entered her dinning room to set up the table.

Perhaps it was a good that Uncle Isengrim offer her home for their stay. She had though it would delay her plan but...maybe this change will help push her plan along faster then it would have moved orignally.

Now if only she could get them to stop calling her Lady Bilba.


	5. chapter five

[Author's Note: Wow! I did not expect so many people to enjoy this story. Thank you all so much, each time I see a new follower or favorite I end up smiling. The reviews I've gotten have made me feel like I'm doing things right with this story. I hope you all continue to enjoy it!

I have had to correct this a few times tonight, blasted auto-correct kept changing my words and I had not noticed.]

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Thorin grumbled to himself as he followed Dwalin's lead through the rolling hill's of the Shire. They were supposed to meet with the Thain, their word for King Balin's letter said, in order to negotiate temporary houses for more of his people.

However they'd gotten terribly lost and Dwalin refused to let him lead the way anymore. Honestly it wasn't his fault the hills were so...topsy turvy.

Dwalin got the both of them back onto the right path, which conveniently lead to a fork in the road with a large sign. Dwalin turned to grin smuggly at the brooding Thorin as they saw the sign read "Tookland" with an arrow pointing left, "Buckland" pointing right, and "Hobbiton" pointing straight ahead.

"Not. A. Word." Thorin grumbled as Dwalin lead them towards Tookland cackling at his King's misfortune.

Meanwhile in Hobbiton Bilba found that she had two little shadows following her through her daily routine. Little Ori and Gimli watched their hobbit host in fascination as she cooked, took care of business amoung other hobbits, and wrote in her study. On this day she saw them watching from a bush near the roof of her home as she practiced sword stances with a long stick.

Bilba copied the stances from the many stories her previous self had seen. She moved between them with ease that told of continued practice. Both boys had never seen such stances before and watched with fascination. Neither had expected their kind, soft, lady host to know such skills. While the boys watched her in her practice the adult dwarrow were all out in the market with their new shops.

Bombur had a stall by the many other food stalls and sold his food goods.

Bofur's toy stall was filled to the brim with wide eyed fauntlings at his amazing toys. They watched eagerly as Bifur showed them how to start one of the many self-moving toys.

Gloin, while a banker by trade, was a skilled blacksmith and he was out in the old smithy crafting pots, pans, and farming tools.

Dori was working non-stop selling his fabrics to excited hobbit ladies and a few hobbit men.

Gilda was a jewler by trade; she was nearly out of many of her simple braclets and necklaces. Who knew hobbits liked simple jewelry?

Balin, however, was not at the market but having tea with the Thain Isengrim. He had been there for nearly the whole day waiting for his brother and King to arrive.

When Bilba finished her practice she went inside, followed by her two shadows, to begin making a snack for tea. However when she pulled out a skillet to use it slipped from her hand. The skillet clanked onto the floor loudly and a crack was heard. The skillet had a split down the rim of it and partially through the bottom.

"Oh botheration!"

She picked it up with a sigh but turned to the boys, who had sat at the table when they realized she was going to cook, and smiled.

"Looks like I'll be going down to see your father Gimli dear, would you boys like to come with?"

"We'd love too!"

"Yes Miss Bilba!"

Bilba smiled widely at Ori who had finally called her Miss Bilba instead of Lady Bilba. It was a small start but better than nothing.

"Get your boots on boys we'll be leaving in a moment."

Balin lead Thorin and Dwalin toward Hobbiton. The negotiations would be held off in loo of a trial run, much to Thorin's irritation. In his brooding he did not notice he was walking faster than both his fellows. A quick turn toward another path had him tumbling into another person and slipping backward onto his arse.

"Oh I'm sorry, are you alright?"

Thorin looked up at the hobbit woman with copper curls with a snarl.

"Blast you halflings! Stay out of the way!" He yelled as he stood up.

 ** _Claaaaaang_**

Back onto the ground he fell, head spinning as he saw the hobbit woman standing over him, a cracked skillet held in the air.

"Bloody rude dwarf, I am half of NOTHING! Call me such once more and I shall bash you again!"

Thorin had no time to gawk at the boldness of her as his head touch the dirt and he was out like a light.

Balin and Dwalin stared with their jaws dropped. Both the children looked up at their host in complete awe. Bilba however lightly kicked the dwarf King's boot.

"Opps...I hit him harder then I thought..."


	6. New life chapter six

[I am so sorry for the long wait, I did warn you all that my updates would be sporadic. Life does that to people.]

Bilba sighed as she pintched the bridge of her nose while looking to Balin and Dwalin.

"I apologize for striking your companion but he was being a cabbagehead. Balin if you could take them up to Bag-End while the boys and I visit Gloin I would appreciate it."

Balin, who was giving her a look of shocked awe, nodded his head as he went to lift Thorin up onto his shoulder. Dwalin did not have the chance to greet the hobbit lass as she and the boys were already trotting down the lane. He turned to his brother with a wide grin,

"If all Hobbit lasses are like that I just might find me a wife brother." Balin gave him a bland stare at the comment while the two of them dragged their unconscious King toward Bag-End.

"That was amazing Miss Bilba! You knocked him flat on his back!" Gimli exclaimed with glee.

Ori had stars in his eyes,

"I didn't know a pan would make such a good weapon!"

Bilba offered them a smile but on the inside she was panicing.

She'd just smashed Thorin in the head, King Thorin. This will either cause him to hate her more than he already would have...or make him see shw wasn't a weak link. Her money is on him hateing her though.

She really shouldn't have done it but honestly? He came to their land, using that word, if he'd bothered to ask Balin he would have known NOT to use it at all.

Unknown to those involved in the confrontation, there was a witness to it. Bofur, having run out of toys and was on his way to Bag-End, hurried back to the market to tell the others what he witnessed.

Gilda had a laughing fit once Bofur told her what Bilba had done. She'd known the young woman had fire in her belly.

Bombur and Dori both began to fret over what the King would do when he woke up again.

Bifur on the other had only gave a solemn nodd before telling him,

"Bout time someone bashed sense into that skull."

The shopping Hobbits didnt hear what had the hat wearing toymaker was laughing so hard but they figured it must have been a right swell joke.

Gloin was steadily hammering the impurities out of hot steel when Bilba and the boys entered.

"Bilba bashed King Thorin with her skillet!"

"Yeah! He fell right onto his back!"

Gloin had to re forge the steel after dropping it onto his boots in shock.


	7. chapter 7

[author's note: hello again, I hope everyone had a happy holiday. I've been trying to lengthen the chapters as requested, you know who you are :) , which is a factor on why this took so long. That and the holidays these past few weeks.]

Thorin grunted as he opened his eyes. He had a migraine from hell. As he sat up he discovered himself in a home. It looked much like the inside of the Thain's hall but much smaller. It was also filled with homey nicknaks. Balin was sitting in a chair beside the love seat Thorin had been laying on. The king took note of his friends irritated expression and new right away that something was wrong.

"Do you have ANY idea who you insulted?" Balin's voice wavered, filled with anger.

Thorin recalled the copper haired woman with the pan and frowned.

"The hobbit?"

Balin groaned and covered his face with his hand.

"Thorin I told you specifically that the term Halfling is the worst thing you can call a hobbit. I told you and you still used it. Not only that, you used it to insult the PRINCESS who's home you are currently dwelling!"

Thorin froze and his eyes widened. He'd insulted the princess? Oh his sister is going to kill him when she finds out.

The king sighed and rubbed his head, flinching as he touched the large bump on his head. The woman knows how to hit, he'll give her that.

"So exactly how badly did Thorin screw up this time?" Dwalin asked as he came into the room. He must have gone into a pantry because the tatooed dwarf was currently eating some biskets from a jar. Balin sighed and rubbed at his temples.

"That all depends on Lady Bilba I'm afraid. She's been a kind host so far but I've heard stories from the other hobbits. I can only hope she goes easy on you."

Thorin sat there looking at Balin with a confused exoression. What did he mean go easy on him?

The dwarves at the market were closing up shop for the day. They all wanted to return to Bag-end and greet their king. Dori, the poor man, was sent into a near panic when he overheard a conversation amoung a few hobbit ladies.

The two ladies, one in a simple light blue dress, the other in a lilac dress with a bit of lace at the hem, stood across from his stall.

"Did you hear? Young Gamgee saw one of those dwarrow folk insult Miss Baggins." The lilac dressed woman said.

"No! Surely not, these dwarrow are always so polite."

The blue dressed woman frowned as she glanced at Dori's stall.

"No no a new one came to the Shire today. Apparently Miss Baggins gave him a good wallop."

The blue woman scoffed and crossed her arms.

"No one insults Miss Baggins." She then uncrossed her arms and looked at her friend with a worried expression.

"You don't think there'll be another war now do you?"

Dori's heart jumped and dread spread through him. Surely King Thorin didn't act as bad as to start a war?! The lilac woman also looked worried.

"Perhaps we should spread the word and warn everyone."

The two friend nodded to eachother and left together.

Dori, however, ran off to warn everyone. He could only hope this incident didnt escalate into a war.

Meanwhile Gloin was having a minor panic attack. Lady Bilba had knocked King Thorin unconscious with a broken skillet. Gloin stared down at said skillet that Bilba handed to him. He couldn't understand how such a mundane kitchen tool could do it. Gloin looked back up at her as the boy's were happily telling him the event in detail. The hobbit lass seemed to go a bit pink in her cheeks as the boy's told the story. She'd even muttered under her breath that he was being rude.

She had successfully knocked out the King for being rude.

Gloin set the skillet down and looked up to the ceiling. Durin save him from these secretly

dangerous Hobbits.

"I apologize, Lady Bilba, for my King's words. He is untrusting of strangers and has a temper."

Bilba frowned and scoffed a bit.

"King or not he'll have to deal with the consequences of his words."

A jolt of fear shot through Gloin.

"What consequences?"

The smirk he got in response chilled him to the bone.

"My name is Baggins but I am also a Took. Took's revenge is a well known thing in the Shire."

Bilba looked down at the boy's and her smile widened.

"You my dears shall help me in pranking the prat until he has seen the error of his ways."

Pranking.

Gloin blinked.

She was going to prank Thorin.

Gloin thought back to the two young children of Lady Dis'.

Then he remembered the times before the dragon when Thorin and his sister Dis would start prank wars.

Gloin turned pale and sent a silent prayer to his maker.

They were doomed.


	8. chapter eight

**_[I'm so terribly sorry for such a long wait, my muse for this ran off but I'm back for a bit. Also does anyone want to send in recomendations for the prank war? As in what sort of pranks to use? I need some help with them, I really need help with this or I'll be stuck even longer.]_**

By the time Bilba and the boys returned to Bag-End the sun was setting. Bilba had told the boys of her plan for revenge on the way back. They each knew their part of it and were eager to begin. Bilba opened the door and waved the boys inside as she hung up her walking coat. She could hear Balin speaking with his brother Dwalin, something about not getting into the biscuits...wait. Bilba stopped in the doorway to the kitchen and raised an eyebrow at them. Both brothers froze and turned to face her with wide eyes. Dwalin looked at her then at his hand which appeared to be stuck inside of the biscuit jar. Bilba had a moment where she recalled a song about hands and cookie jars, which are called biscuits here, and nearly laughed. She crossed her arms as she smirked at them.

"Perhaps next time you'll take your metal knuckles off before getting biscuits?" she said as she nodded toward his hand inside the jar, which did have what appeared to be large brass knuckles. Dwalin chuckled, embarrassed at being caught.

"Have you tried slipping the knuckles off?"

Both dwarves blinked, Balin groaned as his hand slaped against his forehead. Bilba laughed as she continued her way to the living room.

The sight she saw upon entering it was lovely. Sitting in her father's old chair was one Thorin Oakenshield, his long hair black and lacking the silvery threads she'd seen in her dreams. He was dressed in the same long furred cloak and matching tunics that he would have worn in the other place. His eyes were a sharp, icey blue that could pierce your soul.

Buggering fuck he's hot.

Bilba frowned and gave the glaring Dwarf, whom had noticed her entry and proceeded to glare at her as if she were unwelcome.

He's hot but that was no excuse to be such an arse!

They stared eachother down as the dwarf rose from the chair. His expression was that of a grimace as he bowed slightly to her.

"I do apologize for my rudness Lady Baggins, had I know it was you I would not have shouted so."

'More like if you had known I'd bash your head in you'd have dodged.' Bilba thought to herself as she slipped a false smile onto her face.

"You shouldn't have shouted no matter whom it was master dwarf."

Thorin's eyebrow twitched, he opened his mouth, most likely to snap something back only to be interrupted by the front door slamming open.

"Lady Bilba!" Bofur exclaimed as he ran inside. He slid into the room and froze at the sight of Bilba and his king staring eachother down. He was disheveled, clothes wrinkled and covered in grass stains, his hat barely hanging onto his head.

'Bofur you are a life saver!' Bilba thought as she turned to take in his appearance. She was concerned as she stepped toward him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Bofur what on earth happened? You look as though you've tumbled off someone's smial."

Bofur flushed and scratched his neck.

"Aye Lady Bilba, I'm afraid I did."

Bilba rolled her eyes and began to lightly push the toymaker toward the bathing room. Honestly the man had tumbled off three smial roof's last week, when would he learn to only walk on the roads?

"Of with you then, you're getting grass all over the floor again."

"I'll clean it up uur ladyship, s'soon as I clean meself." He promised, feeling embarrassed with himself.

"You'd had better or I'll not make any roast tonight!"

With a yelp and a scramble of feet on wood, Bofur sped off. She'd never seen anyone run to a bath so fast in her life.

Thorin stared as they left, feeling very confused.

How is it that beautiful women are able to do that?

Thorin shook the thought from his head as Balin entered the room. Balin, whom had heard the conversation, sighed and rubbed his temples as be thought to himself.

'Are all royalty like this or does Mahal just want to laugh at his expense?'


	9. chapter nine

**_[This is short but at least it is something...studying for exams, loss of a muse, and a close family member got shingles over their entire arm and could not use it for three weeks due to pain are what kept me from writing. It doesn't help that the stress and anxiety is getting to me. Keep sending prank ideas! This 'prank war' may last a while. I feel terrible for making everyone wait so long..._**

 ** _ALSO JUST SO YOU KNOW!!!_**

 ** _That crusty stuff that sometimes appears around your eyes after you sleep, ImI'm calling it sleep sand.]_**

Dinner and Supper that night was awkward for the entire group. The tension between Bilba and Thorin had the dwarrow on edge. The youngest boy's on the other hand were giddy as they waited for their chance to strike. Bilba had given them a very important task and they wouldn't dream of disappointing her. Before the dwarrow went to bed Bilba winked at them and nodded toward the pantry. Their giggling could be heard for a good hour past bedtime.

The next morning Thorin woke with a groan. The bed was soft and warm but after traveling for so long it would take time for him to get used to it. With a sigh he used his palms to rub the sleep sand from his eyes. When he pulled his hands away, however, he found his palms covered in flour. Confused, he sat up and reached to pull his boots on. If only he had remembered the warnings given to him by his fellow dwarves.

His foot slipped in and he found it to be filled with something sticky. It covered his foot entirely, seeping between his toes. Pulling his foot back out with a growl he found it covered in honey. He stood up and made to hurry toward the bathing room. His honey covered foot and wooden flooring however did not mix. He slipped and tumbled face first, nose bashing into the wooden floor hard.

He knew who was at fault, there had only been one person he had insulted to cause this.

"HALFLING!"

In the kitchen Bilba stood cooking scrambled eggs as her two helpers sat at the table giggling up a storm. She herself had a wide grin on her face as Balin entered the kitchen with an expression that just screamed 'How is this my life?'.

The king entered, face red with anger and his nose slightly bloody. His face was covered in flour and his right foot was dripping honey onto the floor.

"Were you trying to cook breakfast my lord?" Bilba asked, grin still on her face.

"I know this was your doing hobbit!"

Thorin growled back as he pointed a flour covered hand at her.

Bilba only raised an eyebrow at him before turning back to the stove.

"The bathing room is open so that you might clean yourself up my lord."

Thorin's flour covered eyebrow twitched, each time the hobbit said 'my lord' he could hear the sarcasim dripping from her tone.

"This isn't over hobbit." the king vowed before he took careful steps toward the bathing room.

Bilba could not hold in her snort as she heard Dwalin burst into laughter in the hall, followed by more of Thorin's growling before the slaming of a door. Slowly her kitchen table filled with dwarves all giggling at their kings expense. Gloin looked towards her as he spoke.

"You realize that he will retaliate right?"

Bilba turned to him and Gloin will swear to the end of his days that her smile chilled him to the bone. Her eyes were shining at the thought of a challenge as she grinned at him.

"I'm looking forward to it."


	10. chapter ten

**_[1.) My family has been experiencing multiple events involving one member with health issues and I have been attempting to help._**

 ** _2.) I had a difficult time coming up with realistic pranks for the time period Middle Earth exists in so I just kinda sat here having no clue what to write._**

 ** _Sorry.]_**

The rest of the day passed like any other day in Hobbition. Thorin, with a glare directed towards Bilba, left with Gloin to work out his anger. That or to just be away from her, it didn't matter. Little did she know of the plan brewing in the king's mind.

Neither Bilba nor Thorin spoke or even looked toward the other until the next morning.

Bilba woke and cooked up breakfast, the dwarrow sat at the table after being told she didn't require help. Bilba found herself disturbed when Thorin sat at the table and smirked in her direction. She squinted her eyes at him before turning away to make her morning tea. She added finely ground sugar to it and stirred. She took a sip and froze with the cup to her lips.

Thorin only smirked wider when he noticed her pause.

He had replaced the sugar with salt.

He had desecrated the sanctity of her kitchen.

She turned from the counter to face him and, out of spite, drank the entire cup of disgusting liquid. Her eyes staring directly into his own as his smirk dropped into shock, horror, then settled into disgruntlement. She set her cup down and smiled sweetly, the temperature in the room seemed to drop as she spoke. Her voice held a sickly sweet tone,

"Thank you, my lord, for the change to my morning tea. I certainly hadn't though of such a mixture before."

The tension in the room grew thick as the two glared daggers at eachother, Thorin with a frown and Bilba with a terrifying smile that didn't reach her eyes. The dwarrow grew nervous as they glanced to each other. Dwalin seemed amused and muttered to Bofur,

"Where can I find a lass like that?"

Bofur answered a quickly muttered,

"Took clan." before stuffing a loaf a bread into his mouth and skedaddled out of the smial. Balin had his eyes shut and head tilted upwards with an expression of despair. The rest were disturbed but continued to eat their breakfast.

Little did the dwarrow and residents of Hobbition know that they would soon find themselves within the crossfire of what would come to be known as 'The Great War of Tricks'.

Later that day when Thorin returned from the smithy he opened the door to his room and froze. He gazed in horror to find the entire room covered from floor to ceiling, how the bloody hell did it stay on the ceiling?

What was it covered in?

Feathers.

Feathers from, what must have been, every type of bird in Middle Earth. There were so many feathers that they poured out of the door like an avalanche. He could not see anything but feathers.

His face became grim as he growled angrily. He knew he was the one that would have to get rid of the feathers, it was apparently a rule. They all cleaned their own rooms and took turns cleaning shared area's. Thorin mutters curses toward the blasted hobbit princess as he trudged through the smial. His arms were full of feathers with each trip from his room to toss them outside.

Finally, after being able to see the room and the furniture within, he plopped face first onto the bed. Which only made him grumble more when he was stabbed in the face by a stray feather. He fell into a light sleep from which he only roused when his ears were met with the shriek of an angry Bilba Baggins. He smirked to himself as he heard Bilba shouting curses about him from her now feather filled garden.

0000000000000000000

With each day came new pranks and more curses from both parties. Many were caught in the crossfire of the prank war. Poor Balin, the papers he carried, and Thorin became covered in vinegar when he made the mistake of walking next to Thorin when entering the smial. Bilba apologized to Balin profusely when she pulled him aside after his bath.

Gloin had to jump in the river when he walked past a road Bilba travled often only to be covered in honey, and chased by angry bee's not a moment later. Thorin grumbled an apology but did look upset at his prank misfiring.

Dwalin woke to find a set of his clothes sopping wet, not with water, but egg yolk. He burst out laughing before telling the lass she drowned the wrong set. She washed them as an apology.

Gilda stared at her new hobbit styled dress in wonder. Thorin had somehow managed to make the folded dress so stiff that it could pass as a stone slab. She couldn't for the life of her figure out how he did it. He gave her coin to buy a new dress after her husband glared at his King.

Even the hobbit's of the shire were caught unawares.Though many of the smart one's steered clear of both Bilba and Thorin. They knew very well how far Bilba could go in a prank war, she was reigning queen in that subject for near ten years now. Only the young, overconfident tween or those too elderly to run quick enough got caught.

A few were tripped up by Bilba pretending to pull at thin rope across the road. Making young tween, who were running for whatever reason, skid to a stop. Some would take a tumble while others jumped over the non-existent rope. Thorin had only looked at her as though she were foolish.

The older hobbit's found themselves becoming ensnared in a net that would spring up from the ground. The dwarf was quick to get them out of course and got quite a few ear flicks before he removed the trap. Bilbo watched this with a scoff, as if she couldn't see the trap a few feet away, foolish dwarf.

At the end of the second week of nonstop pranks Balin could be found face down at the kitchen table. He only ever muttered,

"Why have you forsaken me?", " I should have stayed in Ered Luin.", and "Royalty are all insane."


End file.
